


I'm a Goner

by justAgod



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Defenders (Marvel TV), Thor (Movies)
Genre: (maybe??), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, BAMF Tony Stark, Blood and Gore, Character Development, Childhood Trauma, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Everybody has secrets, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Manipulation, Mental Health Issues, Near Death Experiences, Original Character(s), Psychological Horror, Psychological Trauma, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, This may be hella triggering so please be careful, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Triggers, i love you beans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-04-25 05:09:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14371587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justAgod/pseuds/justAgod
Summary: Adriana couldn't feel it when the car smashed into her side.She couldn't even hear the screams from the people around her.Nor could she feel the paramedics lifting her onto a gurney and into an ambulance.Her body was there but her mind was far, far away;stuck replaying the sudden flash of disappointment on the man's face as she pushed him to saftey.





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Welcome to my first fanfiction here. This is going to be a long, slow, tedious and emotional story, but I have most of it all planned out. Just a warning that this could be really triggering for some. All credits go to Marvel except for any original characters. (Also, looking for a beta if anyone is interested let me know!)  
> Enjoy!  
> (Sorry for changing between the different tenses, I haven't decided on one yet)

Flameless lanterns glittered from the scones on the walls. I was not supposed to be here. A warm breeze brushed against my skin and I pulled my jacket more securely around myself. Somewhere behind me a door opened and I squeezed myself between two pillars that decorated the long walkway. 

Shit I knew this was a bad plan. I carefully lifted up my small knife as footsteps echoed towards me. Of all the places I could have hid... There was maybe three seconds before they would be right in front of me. I pulled the knife back and prepared to strike at the same time a hand slipped around my throat. Fuck. The knife dropped from my hands as I scrambled to loosen the fingers slowly crushing my windpipe. I would not give in. Not when I had gotten this far. Black spots danced around my vision and I realized I couldn't hold up much longer. Frantically I triple tapped on the arm holding me. As quickly as the arms had appeared they disappeared and I fell to the floor. My hands flew to the headset and I ripped it off as I struggled to get air back into my lungs. Bright white lights shone from everywhere and disappointed voices mumbled around me. My shoulders sagged and I slowly looked up at the faces surrounding me. Behind me a screen continued to display the gilded hallway, but it held my attention for only a couple seconds. In front of me a table of officers sat, looking over papers and reviewing the video on several other tablets. 

“You held on for awhile,” I turned a surprised face up to the man standing beside me. He shuffled nervously and held out his hand to help me up. Accepting it I grabbed the fallen knife and stood. 

“Thanks, you did really well too” I replied. A small cough interrupted anything else I may have said, I looked up to the table. My fate was about to be sealed. 

“Audriana Jacobson, on review of your skills and academic achievements we have decided that we will not be needing your services. If you could go back to the ground floor the assistant at the front desk will help you check out. Now, Mr. Davis Hath, we think our program would benefit greatly by your addition...” I couldn't hear the rest of his words nor did I want to. I know I had failed, I knew it. Stupid stupid... punish them. Make them regret it. No, I can't do that. 

My whole body was numb as I set the plastic retractable knife on the weapons table and stepped out into the hallway. Many other applicants sat in chairs lined against the halls. I wondered just how many of them would be sent away like me. Or maybe I was the only one. Nobody wants you. 

I had placed all my desires on this one thing. This one prayer. Three blocks over my rusted car sat with my possessions. Every single thing I owned. God, what are my parents going to say? No. I'm not going back there. Never again. Let them live with the shame of a dead daughter. 

Everything was blurred as I went down and signed out. My body was on autopilot, distantly I heard cars honking their horns. New York, New York. The city of dreams. Suddenly I saw a man about to step in front of six lanes of traffic. His phone was to his ear and he was gesturing wildly. Some desperate, self-sacrificing part of me rose up, and before I was even aware of what I was doing I had crossed the street and shoved the man as hard as I could out of the car's path. 

I couldn't feel it when the car smashed into my side. I couldn't even hear the screams from the people around me. Nor could I feel the paramedics lifting me onto a gurney and into an ambulance. My body was there but my mind was far, far away. The only thing replaying in my mind was the sudden flash of disappointment and shock on the man's face as I pushed him to the sidewalk. 

 **0**

“You better get this. I know I didn't want you to originally, but now you have to get it. Make us the parents of a soldier.” Audriana's father towered over her and she hesitantly rose her eyes to meet his before looking back down at the floor. It was funny how someone so similar could be so different. She'd heard all her life that she had her father's eyes, her father's hair, her father's everything. She wished that it could have been enough for him. 

“Hey. Look at me when I'm speaking to you,” He roughly grabbed her by the jaw and slammed her against the wall, “you hear me princess? Get us out of this fucking shit hole.” He let go and backed away while she crumpled to the floor. She kept her eyes downcast and slowly raised herself up onto her feet. All the way to her room she could feel her father's gaze boring into her. 

Her door had no locks, her father had forbidden it. Anyways a lock wouldn't be able to keep her monsters out. Praying that he would stay away she began throwing her belongings into a suitcase. Only one was necessary, she had little to take. Her room was empty before the suitcase was even half-full. 

A cool breeze blew through the window and ruffled her hair. Closing her eyes for a moment she imagined a life that was not her own. With a father who loved her and a mother who protected her. A life where she didn't have to spend every moment in fear. A life free of pain and full of love. She opened her eyes and the image was gone. Her bleak gray walls were all that was left.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our heroine finally finds out who she saved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter! Well... finals are over and school is out for the summer so I have more time to write. I promise the chapters will get longer!! Feel free to leave any suggestions or things you want to see.
> 
> (Also there is a time jump in here, you'll find out everything that happened in future chapters)

The first thing I registered as I woke up was pain. My brain pounded uncomfortably in my skull and my right arm burned like nothing I'd ever felt before. Weakly I opened my eyelids which seemed to have gained a ton in weight. The walls around me were painted a light blue and the sheets under me were comfortable and soft. Distantly I heard voices and activity as people bustled around outside my line of vision. A hospital. I hadn't been in one since I was sixteen when my father almost killed me... the door opened and my train of thought was graciously cut off. A nurse walked in and when he noticed I was awake he gave me a cheery smile. Doctors always do that. Hide the reality of the damage behind smiles and empty promises. I guess they don't realize just how much that furrowed brow gives away.

 

“Good morning” his voice grated on my ears, it was too high and cheerful, “we're going to work on your hand strength today, alright?” He pulled over a stool and sat while reaching for my hand. Alarm bells rang through my head.

 

_Don't touch me don't touch me don't touch me –_

 

“Now, I know its been a rough couple of weeks but you have definitely improved, can you make a fist for me?” he closed his hand as if to demonstrate for me what a fist was. Idiot, I know how to make a – I looked down in shock at my hand. Despite making every attempt to completely close my hand, my fingers remained at least an inch away from my palm. _I'm... I can't do this, I can't... oh god no._ The world around me felt like it was shifting and darkness closed around me again.

 

**0**

 

A dull throbbing ache permeated throughout my body, and the sound of blood pumping to the rhythm of my heart pounded against my skull. Light poured into the room from behind the billowing curtains. The nurses had insisted that fresh air would be good, and the weather was warm for January. To my right a door opened and a nurse walked in. His voice seemed distant as he pulled out a small needle and ran it across my legs. Entranced I watched as my skin bowed under the needle point, and then I suddenly realized that despite watching the needle press into my skin I couldn't feel anything. My leg was numb.

 

“Can you feel that?” The nurse asked, looking up from the needle to my face. I stared at him, the full implications of the numbness finally taking hold. _I'm paralyzed. Oh god..._ Suddenly the room felt stuffy and hot, and were the walls getting closer? I swallowed thickly and tried to talk but all that came out was a strangled exhale.

 

_I'm paralyzed._

 

I shouldn't have woken up. I should just be dead. That would be better than this awful reality.

 

_I can never walk again._

 

**0**

 

The doctor said I'd been here for over a week. A whole ten days had gone by without me to remember them, although supposedly people had come to see me. If they had I wouldn't know. I can't remember anything after the sidewalk. Evidently I had made progress, although I must have been in a pretty bad state if being barely able to sit up and hold things is considered progress. I couldn't wait to see the pile of medical bills I had surely racked up.

 

At least now I was out of the coma, or that's what they said. They didn't really explain what happened to me. Although that's how doctors always are. They said that I would be given all the details eventually and until then I needed to rest up and not be alarmed. As if the millions of tests they kept running on me weren't already alarming.

 

Opposite me the TV was playing news coverage, my nurse always watched it when he was in here. I think he forgot I can't turn it off. I scowled at the remote sitting five inches away from me. Agonizingly slow I stretched out my fingers and reached for the remote. My whole hand shook and I could feel beads of sweat dripping down my face. My fingers just barely wrapped around the cursed controls but my hands shook so much that I couldn't manage to press the power button. Instead my trembling fingers slammed down on the volume and the TV turned up to an unbearable level. The newscaster seemed to be shouting from behind her fancy desk and the already loud sound of bombs echoed even louder around my room.

 

Fumbling I attempted to either turn the television off or at least mute it, but before I could do either the remote was taken from me by strong hands and a blessed silence fell over the room.

 

“I almost had it.” I stated angrily as my hand flopped back down on the sheets. My eyes were averted from the nurse. I didn't want him to realize how fucking weak I felt.

 

“Sure you did, sweetheart.”

 

Not the nurse. Oh crap. That voice was unmistakable. I raised my gaze towards the man's face, the one that had been haunting me every time I closed my eyes. I somehow hadn't made the connection until now. That the man I had so rashly shoved to the sidewalk in a suicidal attempt at heroics was –

 

“Mr. Stark.”

 

**0**

 

I pulled the pillow off my head and looked at the clock on the wall. If it's only five then why is someone banging on my apartment door? I pushed myself up off the bed and swung my legs over into the exoskeleton that sat ready and waiting on the carpet. Carefully I secured the straps on the front of the leg braces and stood.

 

“I'm coming! It isn't like you're waking up the whole building or anything.” I grunted and unlocked the door. On my doorstep, hand raised mid-knock, was a short middle-aged man. He had a plain suit on and wore a bluetooth in his ear. Down the hall several doors opened and my neighbors poked their heads out, sleepy scowls decorating their expressions. I gave them an apologetic wince then looked back at the man standing at my door.

 

“What do you want?” I questioned, keeping the door mostly closed.

 

“I think this conversation would be better held inside.” he glanced to the side at my neighbors who were pretending not to listen.

 

Warily I nodded and opened the door wider. I gave a small wave and smile to the people still outside and then I closed the door, locking it securely behind me. I didn't want anymore uninvited house-guests.

 

“Ms. Jacobson,” he leaned against the kitchen counter, “I'm here to ask some questions about your relationship with Tony Stark.”

 

My eyes narrowed and I jutted my chin out, “Who's asking?”

 

He stuck out his hand, “Agent Coulson, I believe you're familiar with my organization, the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.”

 

I took his hand and shook it briefly, “What do you want to know?” I slowly maneuvered around the island and pulled out a clean mug from the cupboard.

 

I could feel his eyes on me, assessing me. A small shiver ran down my back at his silence, but I continued to prepare a cup of tea.

 

“I want you to tell me what happened that day” he finally said, shifting away from the counter to just stand in my kitchen, arms relaxed at his sides. The polar opposite of the shaking that had suddenly come over my hands.

 

Pour the water. Heat in microwave. Get out teabag. Wait.

 

“I was called in for fourth level application. I failed the test. They decided not to hire me, I left” I swallowed the lump in my throat, “I left the building as directed.”

 

The beeping of the microwave sounded as if it were coming from underwater. My body on autopilot I pulled out the steaming cup and held it in my hands.

 

“I was walking towards my car,” _so many cars_ “as I was crossing the road I was hit by a speeding car.”

 

_It should have been going faster, maybe then I wouldn't be stuck like this._

 

I turned around and faced the agent. His face relayed nothing of his thoughts, and I nervously shifted my weight from one foot to the other. The braces on my legs were suddenly the only thing keeping me from collapsing to the hardwood floor.

 

Without saying a word he pulled out a phone from his pocket and placed it on the counter. Without thinking about what I was doing I peered at the video on the screen. I didn't have to think, I knew that street, and I knew exactly what was going to happen.

 

A well dressed man exited the building on the left and started walking across the street without looking. A couple of seconds later I appeared, my head bowed as I hurried down the sidewalk.

 

I wanted to turn away. I knew what happened next, but there was something captivating in watching your own destruction.

 

The girl on the screen noticed the man, there wasn't even a moment of hesitation in her body as she threw herself across the six lane road. In an instant the man was pushed to the sidewalk and she was crumpled on the asphalt, blood slowly pooling around her. Pedestrians were running around, some towards her and some away in fear. But the man on the sidewalk was the first to reach her. Cars stopped or swerved around the growing crowd. He stripped off his jacket and pressed the expensive material into the wound on her side.

 

_Worried and guilty eyes staring into mine._

 

_A hand reaching out and holding me tightly until the emergency response team arrived._

 

_Disappointment._

 

The mug in my hand slipped and crashed on the floor. Glass spread out in a puddle of boiling water. My eyes were fixed to the screen as my own memories of the event meshed with the surveillance footage.

 

An ambulance appeared, stopping just beside the kneeling figure who was bent over me.

 

“So Ms. Jacobson, I ask again: what exactly is your relationship with Tony Stark?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think! Anything I could improve upon or fix? Constructive criticism is always welcome ;)  
> And I am still looking for a beta if anyone is interested leave a comment or message me!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I am so so sorry this has taken so long. I was cast in a short film and then had camp and the ACT and all those fun things just kept piling up.  
> There's some more skipping around in this chapter, my apologies for that, but I promise a chronological order is soon going to emerge and things will make more sense.  
> Let me know your thoughts and suspicions! They keep me going. Also thank you to everyone who has left kudos and comments :)

What _was_ my relationship with Tony Stark?

 

**0**

 

“Look, this was me repaying you. Then we never see each other again, yeah?”

 

“Sounds good.” I said and turned my face away to hide the disappointment. I knew this moment was coming. What billionaire would want to be indebted to a soon-to-become homeless girl?

 

**0**

 

Just past the automatic doors a new future awaited me. All the doctors said it would be a good future, after all, I'd be able to walk again. I nodded my head towards the doctors and they pushed my bed through the doors towards that future, the future that looked like nothing more than fog.

 

“Wow, this is unbelievable! You must feel so lucky, I mean, he never does stuff like this does he?” gushed one of the excitable surgical interns into my ear.

 

“Yeah, real lucky.” I muttered, unsurprisingly she was ignorant to the sarcasm in my voice.

 

The operating room was brightly lit, and above in the observation deck I could see a crowd starting to form. Of course they would be there, Stark's PR team probably insured it after his mishap at the racing course in Monaco. I felt like an animal in a zoo exhibit, put on display for all to see as they lifted me onto the table. Around me the surgical team moved, preparing me to be cut open and fixed.

 

Suddenly the flash of cameras enveloped the whole room, and I turned to look at the source of their excitement. In the scrub room Tony Stark was decked out in the surgical cap and gown that the rest of the surgeons wore. He gave his staple grin towards the lights, and nodded at some person or other that he recognized.

 

The door whooshed as he entered and gowned. Then the anesthesiologist bent down and placed his mask over my face. My eyes were riveted on Stark. Now that he was closer I could see the tension around his eyes, but I had no time to dwell on it before I fell into darkness.

 

**0**

 

The world felt like it was spinning around me as I opened my eyes. I was in a different room this time, the walls were pink and rather than waking alone I was surrounded. Camera shutters clicked around the room as I came to. The excited jumble of questions blurring into an incoherent mass.

 

“How do you feel? Do you know why Mr. Stark decided to operate on you? Do you feel like he is using you to regain his international fame as Iron Man? How long have you known him? Tony Stark is a known playboy, did you ever have a relationship with him?”

 

I blinked the sudden bought of tears from my eyes as I realized I could feel the pressure of the sheets across my lap. Experimentally I tried to move my leg, and a small sob escaped me as the blankets shifted. _It worked... it actually worked._

 

I sank back into the pillows behind me. Dimly I was aware of a nurse ushering the reporters and photographers out of the room, but all I could think about was how much I owed Stark.

 

 _What are you going to do when you get discharged?_ Like a heavy curtain cutting off the light from a window, all the positive aspects of my surgery disappeared. I had nothing left. I had nowhere to go, and I couldn't ask Stark to help. Not after everything he'd already done for me.

 

The nurse neared my bed, and pulled over a high-tech leg brace. The Stark logo was printed neatly in small letters along the thigh piece. One more sign. One more publicity stunt.

 

**0**

 

“ _What exactly is your relationship with Tony Stark?”_

 

I stared at the man in front of me. He had the audacity to ask me something like this?

 

“Since you have the video footage I'm sure you know. I saved him and he in return saved me. A life for a life or whatever shit you want to call it.”

 

“You see Ms. Jacobson, Mr. Stark had already repaid the debt by creating that prosthesis,” he glanced furtively down and then away, “and the fact that he went a step further to reconstruct your spinal column _himself_ can easily be explained as needing better press. However, the events after that is where things get fuzzy.”

 

I swallowed down the lump in my throat, “He said he no longer wanted anything to do with me. He had repaid his debt and I accepted that.” _Begrudgingly though_. “I haven't heard anything from him since.”

 

“Ms. Jacobson. If he has in fact severed all connections with you, then why is his security system rigged all around this apartment?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (i know the chapter was short... forgive me?)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy this chapter guys! I really did not intend for my hiatus to be this long, but senior year got in the way and then when I sat down to work more on this... well lets just say the MCU has no idea what a timeline is.   
> I had to rework a whole portion of the story because the space between Tony making Pepper CEO and the fight at the Stark Expo was 19 days. NINETEEN. Yikes. Anyways, I know this chapter is short but hey, it's chronological. That's a first.   
> As always, feel free to give me your thoughts or ideas in the comments, or just hit the little kudos button. It means a lot, and honestly it really does motivate me to write more.   
> Love you bunches!

 

I swallowed back the nausea that was churning in my stomach. Stark had done what? I ignored the nagging voice in the back of my mind which was screaming in betrayal.

 

“I-I didn't know,” I finally stuttered. Coulson stared at me, his eyebrows raised in mild surprise for only a moment before his face regained its blank expression.

 

“I'm sorry but I have to make sure, you had no idea at all?”

 

The burning in my stomach turned cold, and I narrowed my eyes at him. “No. I didn't.” Despite my best efforts the words sounded bitter. I took a shaky step backwards.

 

Run. Close him out. _Tony Stark betrayed you_. No. No. He couldn't have known...

 

Shaking my head I repeated myself, but the words lacked confidence. It felt like someone was squeezing all the air from my lungs and I desperately gasped for breath.

 

_Betrayal_

 

A hand reached out to steady me and I lurched away, _don't touch me don't touch me don't touch me –_

 

“– Ms. Jacobson?”

 

My apartment came into sharp focus as I forced back the intrusive thoughts. I realized that he must have been calling my name for awhile. I curled into myself at his worried gaze and furrowed eyebrows.

 

“Sorry, the news just took me by surprise” I turned to make another cup of tea in an effort to hide my discomfort, “what kind of security did he put up?”

 

I could feel Coulson's eyes on me... _No, he isn't your father._

 

“Stark has installed sensory detectors in the floor and walls, as well as multiple security alarms in the door and windows. As far as we can tell, the sensory detectors are passive surveillance, only triggered with specific actions. The security is some sort of facial recognition software. We assume the information is relayed to JARVIS, Stark's personal assistant, to be processed and stored.”

 

My eyebrows raised at the information. How did he install all of that into an apartment that I hadn't even known I was going to get?

 

“Ms. Jacobson, are you alright?”

 

I frowned at him, “I'm surprised that's all-”

 

“No, you're bleeding. Do you need me to get you something?” The man's face was full of concern and something else I couldn't recognize. Glancing down I noticed the smears of red across the linoleum floor. I had stepped on several of the larger pieces of my broken coffee mug.

 

_Huh, interesting._

 

I hobbled over to one of the kitchen chairs and gingerly sat down. _I can't feel it. Why can't I feel it? Tony fixed me... Didn't he? What if he only pretended to? No. He wouldn't do that... I don't think he would do that... would he?_

 

Fresh dark blood oozed from the half dozen cuts that were scattered across the soles of my feet, and the remaining skin was stained a bright copper. My fingers shook as I reached down towards one of the embedded shards. I could hear Coulson talking to me, but the words sounded far off. My vision was tunneled on the one thing in front of me. What if I still couldn't feel at all?

 

The lightest brush of skin, the feeling of pressure as I pulled out the glass. The wet feeling of more blood rolling down my toes. Relief.

 

Mesmerized, I slowly slid each piece out of my skin. I could feel the sensations.

 

I could still feel.

 

When the euphoria wore off I became aware of a box of band aids being extended out towards me. I glanced up at Coulson, irritated that he had gone through my cupboards to get the bandages. Snatching the box from him, I taped up my feet and stood. No pain. Good. That was good.

 

“Sorry about that,” I muttered, still lost in thought at the new discovery. Coulson was staring at me, the weight of his gaze was heavy and I avoided looking back at him. Agitated and full of energy I set to cleaning up the stains, my fresh cup of tea forgotten on the counter.

 

“It's no problem. It was a pleasure to meet you Ms. Jacobson. Thank you for the information on Mr. Stark. We'll be in touch I'm sure.”

 

At the sudden farewell I looked up. The same look was in his eyes that had been there before. Nodding I showed him to the door and wished him a good day. I didn't pinpoint the look until I was back in my room getting dressed. He was looking at me like a wolf looks at sheep.

 

He was analyzing me.

 

_Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would any of you be interested in me uploading a chronological series of events up to this point? If so let me know, I only will do it if enough people express a desire for something like that.
> 
> Also, I'm thinking of doing something where you get a little sneak peak at a future chapter if you comment something (while signed in) about your theories or ideas.


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